A Letter to…Subway

Dear Subway,

I tried to be healthy and ignored the siren call of your Baked Lays heaven-bites the other day. I was rushing to grab lunch before heading back to the office for a packed afternoon. On my way through the line, I pulled a bag of your apple slices out of the fridge, practically glowing with my glowing practicality.

Back at work I ate a few apple slices and thought, “There’s something not right here…” At first it appeared that the “you won’t die before you eat this” date was not printed anywhere on the bag. I finally found a faded stamp, which upon closer examination clearly read December 18, 2014. I was eating said apples on December 23. Given that you already push those dates as far out as possible, I’m sure, I’m feeling like those apples were pretty much hell bites. Had I gone further into the bag, I was likely to lose the rest of my lunch.

Should have gone with the chips.


Thanks for being so gross,


A Note on the Origin of Calorie Counting

Calorie counting was a form of torture developed in Hell for those criminals guilty of particularly heinous crimes. Somehow someone jumped the barrier between worlds or realms or whatever and brought that evil with them, disseminating cruelty throughout the world. Other demon-esque beings, called trainers and nutritionists, helped spread the pain, invoking the high priests of idiocracy – the government – and imploring them to command everyone to limit caloric intake to “stay healthy.”

The government, already being generally sadistic in nature, thought this was a brilliant idea. Rather than facing the true issues of the day, they picked an arbitrary (and yet cruel) number and told the nation that’s all people should have.

The people rebelled in the form of fast food and ice cream, which turned out to be punishment in and of itself. Protest turned swiftly into gluttony. The people then lost control and turned back around to counting calories as a method to somehow restore order to their meager lives. And thus began a cycle of eating and counting that would plague generations.

You’re Beautiful

I love this post from my friend Dawid. I had to share! :]

The Realest Page Ever

I’m going to keep this short. But I feel that this post is necessary.

Recently, I feel that I have seen a lot of people posting sad statuses on Facebook or posting pictures on Instagram of broken hearts and down faces. I get it. You’re feeling unworthy, unwanted, or just plain depressed.

But let me remind all of you: you’re beautiful.

Not just on the outside, but on the inside. You have to remember who you are, your worth, and your essence as a human being.

We all have struggles. We will have those days when we feel like the rain won’t stop and the clouds won’t go away, but remember, there is always sunshine- whether you see it or not.

If you’re crying about that guy or girl, remember, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. But for now, take care of yourself, because you are important. Don’t…

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