A Note on the Origin of Calorie Counting

Calorie counting was a form of torture developed in Hell for those criminals guilty of particularly heinous crimes. Somehow someone jumped the barrier between worlds or realms or whatever and brought that evil with them, disseminating cruelty throughout the world. Other demon-esque beings, called trainers and nutritionists, helped spread the pain, invoking the high priests of idiocracy – the government – and imploring them to command everyone to limit caloric intake to “stay healthy.”

The government, already being generally sadistic in nature, thought this was a brilliant idea. Rather than facing the true issues of the day, they picked an arbitrary (and yet cruel) number and told the nation that’s all people should have.

The people rebelled in the form of fast food and ice cream, which turned out to be punishment in and of itself. Protest turned swiftly into gluttony. The people then lost control and turned back around to counting calories as a method to somehow restore order to their meager lives. And thus began a cycle of eating and counting that would plague generations.


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